words

annual
by Artur Placzkiewicz

 

januaries'
i throw words out of me
in anger
and in need
to tell about myself
what i'm not doing today
what puts me on my knees
like tumour eats
my brain
and not only
i live outside the text
although i tangle with words
somebody speaks through me
i'm on somebody's lips
locked in the brackets
spit out to the margins
i won't be an exclamation mark
i haven't found the key
to life
in my youth's prime
from underneath
i look in me
i dig
in my own intentions
realizations
bad dreams
this is truth
always pierced with lies
and not even quite
so how can i trust thee if
you're a beast
and not even quite

februaries'
with a scream
i'll kill the anger in me
let them all know
that i'm free
of being
i won't lie to myself anymore
persuade that life is wonderful
load myself with illusions
about unknown universal order
the law is not sacred
it is human and primitive
it resists growth
and freedom
and progress doesn't exist
the universe is not homogeneous
each apart from the other
is a beam of energy unto oneself
so i watch the meaning
with one eye
because the other is blind
i stand
in front of my mistake
i look at my hands
they are
i close my eyes
i remember nonentity
it is
i reject myself
(for a moment)

 

marches'
everything
i do
is full
of me
my history
i guessed
the secret of entity
no shitting
i found
the essence of being
it's good at disappearing
i wanted to break through
all barriers
to be more honest
than honest
but nothing
is true
i don't believe in
what i see feel think
if i could
everything would
be the way i want it
i'm getting closer
i watch
what they show me
it's not that
i am this
or that
but
always gets me
but

 

aprils'
something's changed it's different now
something jumps misleads my eyes
i see things which are not there
a new earth is born today
in flashes
my memories gleam
i go wild with the stream of my words i wash my hands overgrown with guilt
with no reason i stare at the unknowableness of the world afraid to stop
immobility is death and everything which is alive moves in spring
so much life explodes and sublimates declined in winter thoughts
so i give all my strength to this which is being born and i perish
i take in the images of greatness
of changes
that take place in my head
what's that? ask my friends
few of them
i do not understand me
to heaven i reach
only from time to time
with so many things planned
i do not look aside
holding my blinkers tight
i don't know where i'm heading
it's quite satisfying
surely i wouldn't find the reason
and now in the peace of nonthinking
nothing is changing
nothing will change until death
which will surprise with nonbeing
in the plan

mays'
between my teeth
i keep my memories
marked for extermination
and there's a hole at the back of my head
which i use to let the bad thoughts out
lately the hole has disappeared
but i found it
below
i move
to fill my lungs with spring
though i'm still sleepy after winter
which never ends
without pain
some warmth got in
sat on the glass
i couldn't remember
how nice it is
not to freeze on the wind
how nice it is
to bloom with your glances
how nice it is
the beginning of this
which wasn't supposed to be
new powers work as such
that's why i sweat so much
i warm up words with my breath
stuff' em up with my dreams
gather the sky with my palms
consume the stars with my eyes
everything opens up in front of me
what are you doing tonight my dear

 

junes'
spring couldn't come
it withered at the start
but the flowers survived
full of their sad pride
and something else
which can't be named
it fills out the earth
and heaven
which is falling in
this beautiful parade
tears open my soul and my head
on the wind
tell me
what i do
is good
i need your acceptance so much
tell me
what i say
is important
i want you to feel safe
don't tell me
what i think
is strange
i really believe that to believe is all
finally i see you live
it's nice
to see lost paradise
after numbered times
with one hand i reach out to you
i pick my ear with hand number two

 

julies'
i cut my head
against the stairs
and it hurts
there's nothing left
to be repaired
i watch
my thoughts dripping
one
after another
it's strange
i didn't want to take part
it turned out bad
i tried to take part
it turned out bad
i thought we would
resolve our affairs in another mood
i was not afraid
to encounter meanings
and our misunderstandings
surprised me more than a little
i keep forgetting the names of my friends
the letters from their names
form other words
i don't understand
i gather life with my hands
eye in eye
tooth in tooth
we go in groups
through mud
to the land
and the stink rises above

 

augusts'
from various angles
life looks differently
i watch it
standing aside a bit
again my thoughts sink into paper
one after another and the third
clearly misses the point
it's good
it's truer like this
i quibble
i turn inside
out to the other side
i return
pick me up
before i get stuck in the throat
of the last path
and become a fishbone
for i bring to you
my seeds
of truth
of life
because there is
only one truth
that we are all
made out of wood
so i speak of my wants
and impenitence
from my head
i am prepared
i will accept
a challenge to decay

septembers'
a new day rolls over its dawn
i can't believe my eyes are blown
away the world the light is on
all things are normal no joy at all
i don't know how i am to tell
what just happened in there
something came in came out came up
it won't be back
i am not sad about the lapse of time
natural cloning stories
from beyond and behind
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
i spit my words with disgust
speech is it
guilty of all sins
i want telepathy
teleportation
and everything to start
anew
i don't know how I differ
from you
but we are not alike
i want some silence in me
maybe then i can hear
and the voice of my spirit
will be listening to me
exploding
i confess to a tree
let it be
come the fruit of my flesh

 

octobers'
strangeness of being
normalizes itself in time it's not that
something is understood
and the only strange thing is that still
time is ripening
by the wall
on the floor
i put my resentments
the essence
of my existence
which is nonexistent
and which is nonexistent
apart from this
there are other worlds
in which i am
who i'm not here
although i don't think
thousands of thoughts run through my mind
i stare at the sun as if i'm blind
i'd like to launch into the sky
instead the ground is torn apart
quickly i reach the abyss of null
i can be stopped but not by noon
between reasons a means and ends although
there was no reason for this means with such ends
i fall down
to the ground with my words
so help me
but not too much
i got up
i'll shake off in a while

 

novembers'
on the other side
of my mind
nothing's been happening
for a long time
i keep my dead
thoughts there
i'm late
i won't get
to you
the same
i gather my strength
to get out
of myself
my spirit
is light
as a feather
and fast
as a race car
i run
giving space to my words
like before
i fall down
i mean nothing
so much as my croaks
time gets involved in thoughts
and things to do
i'll change my life
for another
tomorrow today
doesn't mean much

 

decembers'
i must leave this place
which you don't want to know
where i am myself to the point
when i become unrecognizable
where fear becomes dense enough
to comfort with its concreteness
i must leave this place
because i don't want to know it
and this reason for me
is the only one sufficient and extremely good
day after days like this
from the abyss
i dig up a better me
but i'm lazy
christmas is coming
the earth covers itself with snow
just before
my glances drop
on the pavement
and create
mud
i make one step
then another
and somehow
i stand beside
while you view your thoughts
unconscious
of your openness
look
the first star
is fallen